Most of you know me primarily for my career as a standup comedian and funny fake expert for corporate events. But did you know I have also been a prolific songwriter whose recordings sold over 70 million records?

That’s right! Unbeknownst to even many of my closest friends, I have had an incredibly lucrative musical career and now it’s time to finally cash out.

I’m Getting More Than Double Than Bob Dylan and Paul Simon Got Put Together!

This incredible catalog includes my first hit from 1968 when The Bunnies took  “She’s As Cute As A Human,”  to #970 in the Top 1000 Chart. Then I wrote a near hit for The Turtles called, “I’m Coming Out Of My Shell Just For You.” Tragically, they sang the song only once and died from exposure, but not before it reached  #1109 on the Top 1200 Chart.

I did it all as an independent. Was it luck? No! I never had any big time music producers interested, so I avoided those terrible long-term deals. That gave me the freedom to keep recording without having to change my name to John Cougar Freedman or The Artist Formerly Known As Harry.

And, what my music missed in big hits, we made up for in volume. Even though each recording only averaged about 100 sales, I wrote over 7,000,000 of them.

My secret? Targeting my songs to niche audiences. Instead of cliche hits about New York, Chicago, or San Francisco, I focused on smaller cities. So there were tunes about Des Moines, Iowa, (I died in Des Moines), or Podunk (Don’t Get Drunk In Podunk), and Scranton, (If You Can Make It In Scranton, You Can Also Probably Make It in Des Moines and Podunk). And, too many other minor hits to mention.

There Were Mini-Hits Around The Globe!

There were 2 minor singles in Zimbabwe, 5 top 200 singles in Haifitz, Israel, and 9 top 1,500 hits in the Australian Outback. And, I lucked out with a top 20,000 hit in Denmark with, “Blue Cheese and Legos,” and a top 42,000 hit with “The Best Danish is Danish.”

I also had an underground hit in North Korea called “Radiation Runaway.” Since the song was prohibited by executive decree, it was literally only played at an underground nuclear test site. Sadly, the workers were all killed in an “accident” ordered by Kim Jong-Un.

China however, is where I really made my mark. 300 million copies of “Chop Sticks And Mao,” went out in the late 60’s. And 250 million copies went out of “Introducing The Fork And Knife Now That Mao Is Gone,” in the  70’s. (Unfortunately, the  Tibetian version, “Chop Sticks And Tao,” failed to catch on with the monks, probably because of a lack of electricity.)

Dolly Parton Nearly Recorded One Of My Songs!

In addition, my first country song, “I Have Six Pack Abs On My Belly, A Six String Guitar On My Shoulder, And A Six Shooter In My Pocket,” got my name out in Nashville. And, “My Daddy Has A Shotgun,” by The Sweet 16’s, caught the ear of Dolly Parton, who listened once, got sick, and immediately turned it down.

But I’m not done yet. Next week, I’ve got 3 new songs debuting at my local disco. These include, “Hot To The Touch,” by the Lava Girls, “Cold To The Touch,” by The Prudes, and “Don’t Ever Touch Me,” by the Ice Cube Queens.

If you are interested in purchasing all or part of this amazing catalog, please contact me asap. I’m currently fielding offers from several small to unknown music companies who missed out the first time. I am also receiving a number of death threats from China and North Korea, so act now – before it’s too late.

Until I Get That $700 Million, I Will Always Still Do Comedy!

If instead, you want to book me for a standup or corporate comedy event, I am for available at a much lower fees both live (If the North Koreans don’t get me first), and virtually on Doom. (I mean Zoom)