by Harry Freedman

I started writing a blog about elevator pitches. The premise was that each individual pitch should differ depending on the speed and type of elevator. I came up with some bits and then tried ai to add some additional ideas. I have found Ai to be a poor joke writer but good for brainstorming.

Recently however, a comedian pal showed me that Gemini could now create content in the style of celebrities. So, I asked it to use George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Kevin O’Leary, Jeffrey Dahmer, Howard Stern, Winston Churchill, and Jack the Ripper to see the results. With the exception of Churchill, they were all either comics or killers.

Again, this was just to get ideas. But after reading Gemini’s responses, I knew I had a much more interesting blog than my original plan. There may come a time when Ai does take over the world. But before that happens, I think it too, will need an elevator pitch to do so.

Gemini’s definition of an elevator pitch: An elevator pitch is a 30-to-60-second verbal “business card.” The goal isn’t to close a deal on the spot; it’s to pique someone’s interest enough that they ask for a follow-up meeting.

Ai Celebrities describe a typical Elevator Pitch.

1. Kevin O’Leary – You’re in an elevator with me for forty-five seconds. That is forty-five seconds of my life I am never getting back. Here is how you pitch me before the doors open, or you’re dead to me.
2. Jeffrey Dahmer – For a few brief moments, you have a captive audience. They can’t run, and they can’t hide.
3. Jerry Seinfeld – What is the deal with the elevator pitch? You’re in a steel box, suspended by cables, defying gravity, and suddenly you decide this is the optimal environment for a high-stakes business negotiation? You’ve got forty seconds. You’re not just pitching a product; you’re racing a pulley system!
4. Howard Stern – Look, we’re in a box. But you’ve got a CEO in here with you, and he’s a captive audience. Be total, brutal honesty. “Look, your current marketing is a train wreck. It’s embarrassing. Here’s my number. Don’t be an idiot—call me.”
5. Ray Romano – Look, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Another app? I already have forty apps I don’t use.’ But this one…this one actually works. My parents even figured it out, and my dad still thinks the microwave is a radio.
6. George Carlin – It’s a sales job, folks. It’s a polite way of saying, I’m going to hijack your attention before the doors open on the 12th floor. If it’s longer than a commercial for foot fungus cream, it’s too long.
7. William Shakespeare – Hark! What light through yonder sliding panel breaks? ‘Tis the executive, and I am the petitioner!

The Service Elevator Pitch

1. O’Leary – You’re basically roommates now. If you don’t have a signed contract by the 12th floor, you’re just bad at talking.
2. Jack the Ripper – (The Antique Lift) Do not rush. Let the tension pull tight like a garrote. Speak in a low whisper. The most effective pitch is the one they never saw coming. You want them to feel as though they’ve been touched by something sharp and vital. When you leave, they should be left breathless.
3. Shakespeare (The Snail-Paced Lift) I have watched thy house from afar, and mine heart bleeds for thy lost margins. I bring not just a product, but a remedy—a balm for thy weary ledgers. Shall we dally in this box or shall we The Final Curtain.
4. Kervorkian – (The Slow Lift) There is a dignity in a slow realization until the solution feels like a mercy.
5. Dahmer – (The Freight Elevator) Stand in the corner. let the silence become heavy. Speak softly, forcing them to lean into your space. “Most people are afraid of the dark spots in their spreadsheet. I find them… fascinating.
6. Churchill – We shall find ourselves on this lift for some time, it seems. A perfect moment to discuss the destiny of your firm. Many have said that your market is lost, but I say this: we shall fight in the boardrooms, we shall fight in the digital clouds, we shall fight with growing confidence in our logistics.

The Standard Office Lift:

1. O’Leary – This is the classic. Ten floors, four people, and a palpable sense of communal dread.
2. Shakespeare – We are encased in this iron carriage, suspended by the grace of gods and braided cables. Whether we fly like Mercury on winged heels or creep like the snail toward our destination, thou must seize the moment. “All the world’s a stage,” but the elevator is a very small one with terrible lighting.
3. Churchill – Sir, your current strategy is a disaster wrapped in a catastrophe. I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and a thirty-percent increase in quarterly revenue.
4. O’Leary – I don’t care about your “dreams” or your “passion.” I care about money. I want to know how you’re going to become a literal money-printing machine.

The High Speed Elevator Pitch

1. O’Leary – Always stand near the buttons. He who controls the floors controls the tempo. If you haven’t finished your point, “accidentally” hit the button for the parking garage. That’s not cheating; that’s floor-management.
2. Kervorkian – (The Rapid Descent) Sometimes, the most “humane” thing is to be quick. If their business is suffering, acknowledge the “terminal” nature of their current trajectory. I have the means to end that struggle today.”
3. Shakespeare – (The High-Speed Lift) When the carriage ascends with such haste that one’s stomach lingers in the lobby, thou hast no time for “Wherefores” or “How nows.” Thou must strike while the iron is hot!
4. Jack the Ripper – The Lightning Ascent) You have but a heartbeat before the gaslight of the lobby fades. I have seen the rot in your industry’s heart. I have the instrument to cut it out. Cleanly. Quickly.

The Closing

1. Carlin – Give me your card so I can tell you why your current guy is lying to you. Boom. Doors open. You walk out like you own the hallway.
2. Romano – If the doors open and you’re still talking, you’ve failed. Stop talking. Walk away. Go find a pretzel.
3. Stern – Listen, at the end of the day, if you don’t grab them by the throat (metaphorically, Robin, settle down), they’re gonna forget you. Be the person they talk about at dinner tonight.
4. Shakespeare – Step forth with the confidence of a King! If thou hast spoken well, thy prospect shall be “enthralled,” and thy purse shall no longer be “lean and hungry. Pray, take this scroll—my digits are writ upon it—and let us speak anon!”
5. Kervorkian – We all want to believe our ventures will live forever, but most are just…lingering. By the time you reach the lobby, they should feel that staying with you is the only way to find peace.
6. Romano – Anyway, that’s my floor. I don’t want to be a pest, but here’s my number. If you hate it, you can just throw this in the trash. I won’t even know. It’s fine.
7. Churchill – The doors part! The liberation of the hallway is at hand! Whether the journey be a lightning strike or a long, arduous campaign, we must never surrender our objective! Here is my card; let us prepare for the offensive.

Harry Freedman, aka, The Nation’s Misleading Expert, received a full page profile in the New York Times Business Section for his corporate comedy put-ons. He has performed as a funny fake expert in virtually every industry and is frequently rated as best speaker. His clients include TSMC, Bechtel, Moen, Coca Cola, National Mtg Brokers Assn, Merck, and hundreds of Fortune 1000 companies. He also opens for Ray Romano and has appeared in his most recent movie. And if you want  a roast or toaster for a special event, Harry gets top ratings on all the gigsites for that.

Recent Testimonial: Matt Roberts – California Real Estate Association https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFmaLqZbh8Q