Maximum Productivity Meetings

By Harry Freedman – The Nation’s Misleading Expert
Lying For Laughs for 30 Years!

*EMCEE *CORPORATE COMEDY PUT-ONS *PANEL HOST

The first step is to figure out the goals for your event. Typical meeting goals include bonding, team building, education, new initiatives, product launches, updates, past year performance reviews, and future objectives.

Would you like to achieve these goals without working as hard? Then begin putting the burden on your attendees to pick up some of the slack. After all, why should they all get to have a great time while you’re just one more sleepless night away from being hooked up to an IV for over-exhaustion?

Maximum Productivity Meetings Done Differently.

1A) FOR YOUR LAST MEETING
You tried to give everyone a balanced work hard – play hard experience with terrific speakers, lively entertainment, amazing activities, and regular breaks every 2 hours for coffee, snacks and networking. There was also an open bar every night and a good time was had by all.

1B) FOR YOUR NEXT MEETING
You will put together a work hard – no play experience designed solely to maximize productivity and save money for your company.This time, there will be no breaks during the sessions, or any other breaks for that matter, as no one is to be allowed out of the room, other then 3 bathroom visits per person daily, with a 5 minute maximum per trip. This will be enforced with fines of $10 per second for any transgressions.

There will also be no lunch breaks, which have always taken away critical time from learning. Instead, granola bars will be shot out of air cannons at 3 hour intervals for attendees to dive for, along with Kale protein shakes to wash them down.

2A) FOR YOUR LAST MEETING
You began the conference with a terrific upbeat emcee who got everyone pumped up in the morning with his annoyingly positive peppy energy. By midday however, most attendees become weary of his forced cheerfulness and zone him out.

2B) FOR YOUR LAST MEETING
You open the conference with the nastiest most unprofessional emcee you can find, seemingly a combination of Marilyn Manson and Darth Vader. He opens with “I hope you enjoy the Kale Shakes,” and insults everyone including upper management. He then proceeds to rant about real and nonsensical world problems, seemingly oblivious to his duties as emcee.

If you can’t find an actor from a speaker bureau able to do this, just find a guy from a street corner who’s yelling incoherently at everyone walking by. While your audience will be initially shocked, you will have initiated the first step of bonding and teambuilding, as everyone looks at each other to make sure they’re not the only one who thinks the guy is crazy.

As the day goes on and everyone becomes wearier, the audience may begin to empathize and even agree with some of the rants. As their frustration, hunger and angst increases, he may even eventually become endearing as they admire his ability and freedom to truly tell it like he thinks it is, even if they have no idea what he’s actually talking about. By the end, they will give him a standing ovation and a new star will have been born.

2B) BENEFITS TO YOU -This particular emcee will cost you nothing and be thrilled with the free granola bars, kale shakes and lodging. He will however cost a fortune the following year as word gets out and he becomes the newest sensation on the speaker circuit.